Thoughts on Honesty

The Universal Truth of Integrity

In writing, reading, and studying along this deliberate growth path that I am on, I find it settling to come across universal truths. Learning can be overwhelming with so many opinions, philosophies, religions, and ideas on living the best life out there. A universal truth simplifies things for me. It can be a building block to my approach to learning and also help me identify things that don’t make sense to incorporate into my way of being. It’s a tricky topic, however, because when I hear or read the term “universal” (without nuance or additional perspective added) that shit really needs to mean universal. As in, “applies to everyone in the universe”. There is really no room for error in the assertion.

I recognize I can’t ever presume to know what other beings in the universe would think of truth. Therefore for the purpose of this writing, I am going to avoid such a tricky assertion and say that for me, a “universal truth” only needs to be true in MY universe. It need only apply to people here on Earth. My article, my rules.

Ironically, the universal truth that has been core to my growth process over the past few years has been that of the necessary pursuit of integrity. We, as people, can only hope to achieve excellence through integrity. A core component of this pursuit is that of honesty. Honesty is not only the best policy, it is a vital policy. It is a universal rule to live by.

As Jordan Peterson writes in 12 Rules for Life, “Taking the easy way out or telling the truth-those are not merely two different choices. They are different pathways through life. They are utterly different ways of existing.” His eighth rule for life is simply, “tell the truth, or at least don’t lie”.

Peterson stresses the ramifications to the utmost degree of failing to apply truth into our lives. He highlights that deceit builds and corrupts: “If you act out a lie, you weaken your character. If you have a weak character, then adversity will mow you down when it appears, as it will inevitably. You will hide, but there will be no place left to hide. And then you will find yourself doing terrible things.”

Embodying this rule has been extremely challenging for me as I didn’t exactly grow up with honest role models. Naturally as a result, I was not instilled with the value of integrity. Blaming myself or blaming no one, I also didn’t exactly begin to question the teachings and values of my role models until my early thirties, either. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a lying sociopath, per say, but I certainly had a toxic relationship with the truth. You see, there were a few values I was taught as a child that impacted the way honesty existed in my life.

The Anti-Honesty Values of My Youth

White Lies Are OK

Even in the definition you read on Google, brought to us by the geniuses at Oxford Languages, the words “harmless” and “trivial” are used to define a “white lie”. Fuck you, Google.

The white lie is a tool of a coward. I thought that by telling someone something that isn’t true that I was sparing hurt feelings. I thought I was able to control what someone else felt. What difference would it really make, right? Wrong.

All I was doing was sparing my own feelings. It is often too uncomfortable to deal with our own feelings when we think the truth will hurt someone else. My Ego simply couldn’t handle the idea of what the truth could expose.

I would do this all the time. In my head, if I had committed to doing something or if I had already done something, what was the difference to anyone as to the why? One example was how I would break plans with people I didn’t want to hang out with. By using a little white lie to explain why I “couldn’t” meet my commitment, I would subvert the very simple truth of there being something I would rather do. Any excuse felt less “mean” than that feeling of being chosen over, that I was projecting.

My own truth could hurt someone’s feelings so best bet was to not share it. I was going to break the commitment regardless, may as well try to protect the person’s feelings rather than be a total dick, right? This would be both a proactive and reactive approach to how I managed the expectations of others without subjecting them to a truth that I thought would have pissed them off.

Simply writing this out makes me feel like a coward.

There is no such thing as a “white lie.” Because that untruthfulness leads to another and another. It becomes a reflection of our inability to deal with our own, honest emotions. That is the bottom line. We are afraid of dealing with some projected reaction from another person, so we tell a “white” lie.

Weak. Ass. Shit.

Tell the truth. If someone’s feelings are hurt by that truth, trust them to deal with it. We cannot manage another person’s feelings and trying is a complete waste of our energy.

The Most Important Thing I Have Is My Reputation

This doozy came directly from my father and was stressed throughout my childhood. For my father, the way people saw him, talked about him, felt about him, was everything. He has always been one of those “it isn’t about what you know, but who you know” kinds of people.

I am not questioning his motives, we all have our reasons for why we value what we do. I believe he meant well and simply wanted the best for me. But passing down this value really fucked me over in my development as a self-authored adult.

A common way for me to ensure my reputation was kept intact was this idea my father taught me of “showing my face.” Let’s say I was invited to a party or an event that I didn’t want to go to. Rather than be honest to myself and to others, and simply not go, the better response would be to show my face. My father’s move would be to get all dressed up but only plan to stay for a little while.

Using this mentality, I would make sure all the “right” people saw me and remembered that I was there. That way, my reputation of a participatory and engaged member of whatever surface-level bullshit was on display at that time, would remain. This was one example of how I would focus on attempting to manipulate my reputation.

Looking back on this lesson, among others to craft a reputation, that he taught me as a child, I struggle so much to reconcile using a good reputation as the end of my means (we’ll get to what that means in a bit). This idea of making sure that people like me so that I can get more of what I want in life really makes me regret my twenties to a point of nausea.

Noticing a tie into the “white lie” section? Noticing the unhealthy relationship with the Ego?

I’ve written about my issues with image versus integrity at work. This concept of foregoing honesty for the sake of one’s reputation is exactly that. We withhold the truth and jeopardize our integrity for the sake of what we project onto others as a desired image.

Rather than a focus on our reputations, we should be building confidence in ourselves through the skills we develop. We should be developing as good human beings, living through humility, kindness, and generosity. If I am so good at what I do and know in my soul that I am a flawed but growing human, pursuing integrity, I can turn down an invitation to any party or event.

I can stomach whatever negative reputation that may come as others simply not understanding me. I will not have to show face because I will know that whatever anyone feels from my absence is their own issue to deal with.

I am confident enough in my own journey that my reputation will take care of itself.

There Is No Place For Negative Thoughts

I was raised to believe that by thinking happy thoughts, my world will manifest happiness. Unsure if this was my parents or Tinkerbell, but what a load of shit.

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize the importance of a positive attitude. I am not saying that a person should mope around and wallow in their own negativity in life. However, forcing a positive attitude at the expense of truth can be toxic. For those of you who are fans of “The Secret,” you can probably stop reading now.

Any displays of negative emotions in my family were thought to be unbecoming of a happy, civilized family unit. Conflict, therefore, was unacceptable. When my parents would argue, it was customary that any issues would be swept under the proverbial rug. My parents couldn’t bear the idea of not looking like they had it all figured out. When my siblings and I would get upset or show signs of fear, the truths of what we were feeling would be met with instant disdain. Positivity was essential to living a positive life. Never never land, indeed.

Rather than help us cope with negative emotions, we were taught to suppress them or rationalize them away for the sake of being positive.

Learning this value from a young age has made it difficult to be honest with myself and with others close to me. To maintain a “positive attitude” I have often avoided healthy conflict and negated my truth in situations where conflict may arise. This has made boundaries a very difficult aspect of my maturation as an adult.

Additionally, understanding my true emotions has taken a back seat in my growth process as I would lean on ensuring the emotions of others instead. A value of avoiding a negative self fulfilling prophecy guided an approach to seeing negative emotions as toxic. There is an inherent dishonesty to self in this approach.

Often our suppression of negative emotions is a result of our social conditioning and our pursuit of social acceptance. Rather than using self fulfilling prophecies as our guides, we should instead pursue self authorship and the respect for our own truths. Maturation demands that we deliberately understand our negative emotions and learn from them, rather than instantly negating them for the sake of their publicly acceptable opposite.

The Guiding Truth

One of the most encompassing and important philosophies that has guided my own transformation on the value of honesty comes from Immanuel Kant and his Categorical Imperatives for morality.

In a very, very small nutshell, Kant believed that rationality and protecting conscious choice must be the basis for all of our moral reasoning. Kant’s “Formula for Humanity” was:

“Act that you use humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end, never merely as a means.”

There is a lot more that I will allow you to go and study, if you care to. Mark Manson does an excellent job in his article, The One Rule For Life. I suggest you start there. Manson simplifies the rule a bit more to say:

“Each person must never be treated only as a means to some other end, but must also be treated as an end themselves.”

My reason for beginning and ending here is because my interpretation of this “imperative” is that the way we develop and grow our own conscious approach to ourselves and the world around us is the single most important thing we can do in our lives. Honesty is the central element to this imperative. If we lie to others, we are attempting to manipulate them in some way or coerce them into doing or feeling something we want. If we lie to ourselves, we are degrading our own consciousness by not giving it the truth it needs to develop.

With a deliberate approach to being honest and by following the universal truth of pursuing integrity, we give ourselves a chance to grow. We give ourselves a shot at becoming mature, conscious adults. Honestly, I am not sure there is anything more important.