Thoughts on Seeking Wisdom

A core element of the work I do and write about is the deliberate focus on learning. Once upon a time, I was convinced that I would just figure shit out. I would live every day, try new things, make mistakes, and over time, my brain would just grow with the wealth of knowledge that comes from living. This led to destructive behaviors, rationalization of unhealthy patterns, an over-focus on image and external acceptance, and unhealthy relationship patterns (among many other things that I’ll continue to write about over time).

Clearly, mindless living and the expectation that that would lead to growth was not the best approach to maturity. One day, about 4 years ago, this way of being came to a critical mass. I had been with Deb, my now fiancé, for a little over a year at that time. She was a therapist in training and was becoming fed up with my unconscious approach to my own growth process. We had arguments pretty regularly about my default behaviors, unchallenged belief systems, and emotional patterns that led to both of us being unhappy with the foundation from where our relationship was being built.

Where My Deliberate Pursuit of Wisdom Began

One day, while walking in an airport, she said to me (perhaps not exactly, but something like this), “There is only so much work I can do for you. This is never going to work if you don’t start consciously doing the work to grow up on your own.” For whatever reason, rather than being defensive in that moment, some stroke of lucky internal wisdom received those words and decided it was time to try it. Time to deliberately begin working on figuring myself out.

While there have been undeniable bumps along the way since that conversation (you don’t automatically go from being an immature frat bro to Eckhart Tolle after one revelation), the journey since then has made it quite clear that deliberately seeking wisdom and making learning a part of my maturation process is an essential part of being an adult.

My truth is that there have been significant experiences along the way in these past 4 years that have guided me in the wisdom I seek, and from whom. I have also experimented with articles, videos, authors, podcast, and books to determine which method of learning works best for me.

Where This Deliberate Pursuit Has Gotten Me So Far

As we close 2020 tonight and begin a new year, I wanted to share more about my process of seeking wisdom, the most notable books I read this past year, and where I am looking to begin 2021 as I continue on this path.

A few things to mention before I continue. First, since that airport “come to Jesus” conversation, I have become very much into my own studying, learning, and growth process. I have become a certified personal trainer, read roughly 75 books, and started my journey of becoming a certified professional coach (to name a few significant items among simply giving a shit about being a better human in general).

Also, as of the beginning of this year, I figured out that my preferred way of reading/learning is through audio books. I find that listening to a book allows me to best maintain my focus on the content and can be done while I exercise, which for me can usually be done in a state of flow. This may not work for everyone so I encourage you to take some time to determine what mode of learning you can actually infuse into your life.

My writing practice, having recently begun, is naturally influenced by my most recent readings. You can find a full list of the books I listened to this year but I wanted to highlight the 5 most impactful to me and my overall deliberate growth process.

My Top 5 Most Impactful Books of 2020

1. An Everyone Culture by Lisa Lehy and Robert Keegan

2. Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday

3. My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem

4. 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos by Jordan Peterson

5. Reboot by Jerry Colonna

To end the year, I want to take some time to give a quick recap of the impact these books have had on my learning process and where they’re leading me forward.

An Everyone Culture: Becoming a Deliberately Developmental Organization — Lisa Lahey and Robert Kegan

Early in 2020 I was recommended this book as I transitioned to a new role in my current organization. Having learned about Kegan’s Adult Learning Theory at a high level (Deb teaches me these things) I figured that seeing how it applies to organizations could be interesting. Talk about an understatement.

The deep dive into the Deliberately Developmental Organizations of Bridgewater, Decurion, and Next Jump began my inquiry into my own deliberate approach to my own growth at work and the type of work I want to be doing. This book led me on to my coaching path as I started Immunity to Change immediately after and began my journey of understanding my own ITC map. For those in leadership roles, looking for a very different and human growth focused way of managing people, check this book out.

Stillness is the Key — Ryan Holliday

Truth be told, I listened to this one twice this year. As one may gather from my first two articles on Understanding Anxiety and Creating Space, the stoic philosophies of stillness, ego, and obstacles coined by Holliday’s trilogy, have been a significant influence on my own thinking. Stillness was the first of the three that I picked up and I haven’t looked back from the stoic philosophy since.

Of all of the work I have done and practices I have dedicated time to, I believe that stillness and ego are two of the most important. As a coach and as a leader, the foundation of self, for me, comes first from the ability to find stillness and calm. Slowing down, being patient, and allowing the space for understanding to happen is step one. I also believe that stillness is made possible by a healthy relationship with my own ego.

Holliday’s approach to stillness, through understandable historical examples and philosophical reference, led me to Ego is the Enemy and Obstacle is the Way this year along with a plethora of other stoic teachings, articles, and podcasts. As it stands today, I continue to work on embodying the stoic way of being.

My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies— Resmaa Menakem

In the wake of the George Floyd murder, I felt the emotional pull to join the learning. After Deb pointed me to the “On Being” podcast with Krista Tippet and Resmaa Menakam, this book seemed like a must read, and boy was it. My Grandmother’s Hands is both a historical eye opener as well as a practical guide for each of us to better understand ourselves within the systems that we live.

As a white reader, the learnings focused on historical cementation of white body supremacy in the U.S. and how my body has benefitted from the afforded privilege of simply being born, looking the way I do is simply step one. From there, Menakem facilitates a deep dive into myself through body practices, alternate perspectives, and a clear point of the work of soothing my own anxiety, dealing with my embodied pain in a clean way, and continuously working to build self awareness and calm in spite of those defaults.

My Grandmother’s Hands amplified my own ego, trauma, and growth work, through the context of race and led me to other powerful books and authors to continue the learning process.

12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos — Jordan Peterson

Much of my work this year, as noted above from reading Bob Kegan’s work, has been a focus on my own self authorship. Having lived the majority of my adulthood thus far with a socialized mind, it was only in the last couple of years that a deliberate focus on myself, my values, my agency, and my maturity has begun. 12 Rules for Life spoke to my process for individualization.

Peterson’s ability to weave stories, history, spirituality, philosophy, reason, logic, and practicality and provide a framework for self authorship was incredibly valuable to my own process. Despite his very intellectual approach, his rules are quite simple and very difficult to argue with, yet I felt I needed to hear them in the way he outlines to better incorporate such obvious approaches into my own way of being. A major theme is that of integrity and living in such a way that is honest and whole with your own self and soul (pardon the rhyme).

One rule that continues to stand out for me is to “Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient.” It seems so simple but requires such self inquiry, such mindfulness and awareness to each decision and action. There will be more to come on this rule in my future writings. I am very much looking forward to the next 12 rules in March.

Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up — Jerry Colonna

Finally, I come to the book that was most impactful to me this year (another one I listened to twice). Jerry Colonna is not a philosopher or PhD or academic. He didn’t do a bunch of research and write a recount of his findings. Jerry Colonna is a leader, a coach, and a human who wrote a book to other humans just trying to sort their way through life.

The concept of radical self inquiry presented in Reboot is the inspiration behind the Deliberate Self and the approach to leadership and coaching I have been taking. His beautiful, emotional exploration of his own journey to coaching through the eyes of his present self helped me normalize the challenges of my own “up and to the right” path. It humanizes the ghosts in all of our machines as inevitable work to be done throughout our own personal growth and maturation processes.

The Reboot approach to living is one that made total and complete sense to me throughout reading and after, as I explored the podcasts, team, and programs. For any aspiring leader, parent, coach, or person simply looking to grow, Reboot is a must read.

Full 2020 Reading List

• An Everyone Culture— Lisa Lahey and Robert Keegan

• Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck — Mark Manson

• Dare to Lead — Brené Brown

• Daring Greatly — Brené Brown

• Obstacle is the Way — Ryan Holiday

• Ego is the Enemy — Ryan Holiday

• Stillness is the Key — Ryan Holiday

• Immunity to Change — Lisa Lahey and Robert Keegan

• Love is Not Enough — Mark Manson

• Wisdom of Insecurity — Alan Watts

• Reboot — Jerry Colonna

• Lost Art of Listening — Michael P. Nichols

• So Good They Can’t Ignore You — Cal Newport

• 21 Lessons for the 21st Century — Yuval Noah Harari

• Sapiens — Yuval Noah Harari

• Talking to Strangers — Malcolm Gladwell

• The Four Agreements — Don Miguel Ruiz

• My Grandmother’s Hands — Resmaa Menakem

• It Didn’t Start with You — Mark Wolynn

• White Fragility — Robin D’Angelo

• Power of Now — Eckhart Tolle

• Man’s Search for Meaning — Viktor Frankl

• Infinite Game — Simon Sinek

• Ego Free Leadership — Brandon Black and Shayne Hughes

• Hidden Wholeness — Parker Palmer

• The Master Coach — Gregg Thompson

• The Coaching Habit — Michael Bungay Stanier

• 12 Rules for Life — Jordan B. Peterson

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents — Lindsay C. Gibson

• Time to Think — Nancy Kline

• The Practice — Seth Godin

• This Could Be Our Future — Yancy Strickler

Continuing the Deliberate Pursuit

With 2021 starting tomorrow, I look back on the year that was, grateful for the amount of reading and learning I did as a part of my lifelong pursuit of wisdom. I realize today how important it is to simply seek to understand more of how this life could work, through the eyes and pens of those willing to write about it. Different books spoke to me at different times. Some I heard, some I didn’t. I am not attached to the amount of reading I do but to the impact of the reading I do on my own growth process.

This year, I am looking to start with a few denser books that dive deeper into the human experience as most of my reads last year were quicker and to a certain point. The path forward is uncertain and I have surrendered to that always being the case. Seeking wisdom, reading, learning, journaling, writing, these are pursuits that I can be disciplined in to create a bit more certainty in my life. Certain that I am at least deliberately trying to be better.