Thoughts on Maturity
I’ve always been allergic to this word, “Maturity”. Perhaps it has something to do with my ego and always hating being called immature. Perhaps it has been for a lack of real understanding of what “maturity” means.
Yet in zooming out to look at the concept of maturity objectively, I realize that my challenges with the word and concept stem from my struggles to actually become mature. It isn’t an easy mirror to look into, but it is certainly my truth.
For some time now, I have been writing about the importance of adults being deliberate about their emotional maturation process. I believe maturity is what becoming an adult is all about.
Recently, my maturity has been tested in the way that I handle stress. For those who have been following, you will know that I am in the process of selling my condo. This, I have come to realize, is quite a stressful experience.
At a high level, there are different involved people with different communication styles. There are expectations that need to be set. There are required tasks, policies, and rules that need to be adhered to. There are endless things that are ultimately out of my control. What I have come to see is that the weight of these things has a way of impacting my emotions and thus, my responses. It is in my maturity level that the effectiveness of these responses is determined.
The process continues and I will certainly be taking some time to share thoughts on my reflections, some time in the future.
However, as I write about maturity, I would be remiss not to recognize my learnings in how these responses to stressful events align with my own maturity levels.
What is Emotional Maturity?
For me, maturity is our ability to leverage our own inner resources to effectively manage our stress and anxiety.
What happens when we struggle to manage our stress effectively? Well that depends on where we land on the emotional maturity scale. Even the most mature person will run into a situation where the necessary inner resources aren’t available. Death of a loved one, termination from a job, lost car keys, these can all be catastrophic events.
As a result of such events, we may respond with a high level of anxiety that causes us and those with whom we have our closest relationships to really feel the weight. This is understandable and can actually show a high degree of maturity, if we respond with composure, perspective, and self-awareness.
This weight can also reveal a lack of maturity, should we choose to dump our emotions on to others or have our responses indicate an inability to contain those emotions.
Maturity wanes as that stress amplifies outwards to other people. We start to tell the world about how we lost our job through social media posts or long winded rants at events. The sadness we feel after the death of a loved one manifests as outbursts of anger at a waitress or store clerk. We make our kids feel the wrath of hell after spending two hours looking for our keys that were in the car the whole time.
While I have often referred to this type of behavior as “dramatic” I find that it is in our levels of maturity that drama is allowed to take form.
Self-awareness and reflection are the keys to evolving from immature responses to mature ones. We may not get it right the first time, but we are ultimately responsible, as adults, to recognize opportunities to conduct ourselves with higher levels of emotional maturity.
Qualities of the Emotionally Mature Person
I have come to see that maturity is not a matter of opinion. It is not a word or concept that someone can use to judge another person, based on their own biases or beliefs. Maturity has been deeply studied and analyzed as a definable human process.
Before I go into that further, I want to point out that emotional maturity is a very difficult path to be on. It requires ego work, shadow integration, and understanding of our own insecurities. It requires a regular look into the mirror, which we all know can be quite ugly (no offense).
Again, maturity is a spectrum and there is no end to the journey of becoming emotionally mature. Here are the signs of an emotionally mature person. They are people who:
Differentiate from their original family relationships sufficiently to build a life of their own.
Have a well developed sense of self and identity and treasure their closest relationships.
Are capable of thinking objectively and conceptually while sustaining deep emotional connection to others.
Can function independently while still having strong emotional attachments, incorporating both into daily life.
Are direct about pursuing what they want without exploiting others.
Get along well with others due to empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence.
Are curious and have genuine interest in the inner lives of others.
Comfortable opening up and sharing with others in an emotionally intimate way, but recognize the time and place for this type of sharing.
See vulnerability as a strength and are in control of the way in which they share in intimate settings, understanding the difference between vulnerability and emotional dumping.
Deal with people directly, and see conflict as healthy and necessary in resolving any problems.
Consciously process thoughts and feelings.
Control emotions when necessary.
Firm understanding and connection to reality.
Can be objective and hold multiple perspectives.
Know themselves well enough to admit weaknesses.
How to Become Emotionally Mature
Work at it and be deliberate about our own individual growth process.
Sadly, it’s not that simple. There is a deliberate process, but it takes significant effort and energy to learn more about our emotions and how they work (emotional intelligence), as we cultivate habits and routines that strengthen our mental health and wellbeing.
Learning about our emotions can be an arduous task and a life long effort. It requires radical self inquiry and exploration.
One way I have found that has helped me better focus on my emotions is by ensuring there is meaning in my life. Looking back on the idea of drama from earlier, we can assume that the more meaning we have in our lives, the less drama we are prone to experiencing.
In that light, it is much easier to explore my emotions when in the context of something meaningful, like my partnership, healthy relationships, fulfilling work, or my hobbies. There is less noise or drama in a meaningful context and clearer to explore. It is in these meaningful experiences that self inquiry becomes a more revealing process.
Questions we can ask ourselves
What are my trigger points in my closest relationships?
How do I respond to those triggers?
What insecurities come up for me at work?
Where do those insecurities come from?
What gets me into my flow states?
What am I afraid of saying? Trying? Doing?
The list of questions goes on and is endless in the pursuit of an emotional understanding of ourselves.
The Maturation Journey
We will never have all of the answers, much like we will never absolve ourselves of the stress and anxiety that inevitably appears in life. However, the more questions we have spent time contemplating and the more emotions we have explored within ourselves, the better equipped we are to handle that stress when it presents itself.
Emotional maturity is a key indicator to our ability to be successful, healthy, and productive adults. The qualities listed above can always be evolved and improved. We, as adults, owe it to our partners, our children, our coworkers, and everyone else we ever come in contact with to be working on our own emotional maturity.
The other option is to not work on it. To not try and become a more emotionally mature adult. That makes you a pretty shitty person.
Don’t be a shitty person.ther option is to not work on it. To not try and become a more emotionally mature adult. That makes you a pretty shitty person. Don’t be a shitty person.
